LESSON TWENTY-SIX: You'd Be Surprised At What A Man Thinks Is Sexy.

This made me laugh out loud while having brunch with The Boyfriend this morning. We’re at a café, I’m jotting down ideas for an award-winning novel I’m going to write one day and he’s happily flicking through the latest NW magazine.  As we wait for our order to arrive I’m conscious he’s looking at the “Hottest Bikini Bodies” issues. Now ten years ago my insecure self would have cancelled my order of bacon and egg ciabatta and gone with the fruit salad. However I sat there feeling quite secure and then he goes, “Ohhh… that’s not sexy. How can they say that’s sexy?”

I casually look over expecting to see a Rosanne Barr or Oprah tabloid shot and instead it’s the very slim bikini gals like Lea Michelle from Glee and Elle McPherson.  The typical females you'd think men would find attractive in their bikini's. Then we start to say which ones we both think are sexy – and it’s the “curvy” ones. Kim Kardashian, Jenny McGrath and Halle Berry – yep, the booby gals. (I think to myself, well I’ve hardly got the same bikini body – but tick for the boobs.)

I go back to my notes and as he’s flicking through the magazine he comes across an advertisement for 'Blackmore’s Pro-definition' - a product for building a lean, toned body. One the left is a really bulked up, muscly female and opposite her is a more toned, leaner lady.

Him: “Now that’s sexy”.

Me: “Which one.”

Him: “The muscly one.”

Me: “What the…? The really bulky chick that looks like a dude – why is that sexy…. Yuk.”

Him: “Well she’s a bit TOO big, but it looks good, besides I know all the effort she’s gone to get that big.”

Me: “So, it’s the effort she took to look like that is what makes this sexy?”

Him: “Yeah, I guess so – and it looks good”.

To be honest, that shocked me more than him ogling over a photo of Kim Kardashian or Salma Hayek.  I mean, this woman was really, really muscly, And it reminded me of a recent comment he’d made last week while walking past a bodybuilder protein shake display: -

Him: “You know baby, you’d make a great bodybuilder.”

Me: (instantly offended) “Why – because you think I’m fat?”

Him: “No you drama – because you’re stubborn enough to do the training. Body builders are lean and disciplined, I never said weight-lifter.”

Now, even though it took me a while to process that feedback, I prefer he said that to me, as it’s closer to what I can achieve, rather than say he wants a Kate Moss or Coco (Ice T's wife with the big booty).  Still – I made sure I left some of that buttery bacon and egg ciabata on the plate next to that magazine when we left. 

Lesson Twenty-Four: Sometimes A Man Just Wants To Be Held.

Believe it or not, I’m being totally serious. I have heard these words uttered out of the mouths of two men in the last few years. Two, straight men I was involved with. They’re not words I ever thought I’d hear a man say because you learn as a girl, that all men want, is a shag. Apparently this isn't the case with all men. 

Teenage years: You start to see guys as attractive and start having feelings for them. You start exchanging notes (or these days ‘Facebook/texts’). You go through your first crush and normally your first boyfriend and learn that boys hormones mean they’re just after one thing.

Twenties: You go through your first heartbreak, you feel what it means to be jealous, you start to get competitive with your girlfriends for a man’s attention and more often or not you have your first one night stand and learn that men just want one thing.

Thirties: Marriage, children and sometimes divorce. You learn that men just want one thing, except often it’s not from you.

Forties plus: Houses, travel and for the odd group, Internet dating. You learn that men just want one thing….from someone a lot younger than you.

Through all of those phases you see men as sexual creatures who think about sex all the time. And from your teenage years you’re warned that a guy, “Just wants one thing”. You read in magazines and see in movies that men are sexual creatures who spent their days chasing tail – and some of them never stop chasing regardless of their status.

So all men just want sex right? Wrong. Well in my case it is and I’m sure after men marinate this information they too would probably admit this sometimes applies to them.

I first heard the words from my last ex said to me over a few too many sake’s one night, “Tarsh….I don’t just want to have sex with you, sometimes, I just want to be held”. I nearly choked in my Asahi. I’d never ever had a guy say that to me before. In fact I’d never ever heard a guy say that before, not in a cheesy Mills & Boon book or on an episode of Melrose Place.  

Then the latest beau also said to me one lazy afternoon as we lay on the beach, “Tarsh, you know, sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I wish you wouldn’t just use me as a sexual object”.  At first I thought he was kidding so I punched him in the shoulder. He wasn’t kidding. I thought to myself, “oh how things change – I used to want to hug my boyfriends but they’d go reaching for first base and now they want to be held”. I’m not an over-sexed nympho. I’m not a demanding sexual fiend. But perhaps I’m not, “comforting enough” or “ sensitive” to their needs.  So, I became the world’s best hugger. I hugged the ex everyone morning until we split and I hug The Boyfriend, a lot. I’m not sure I’m comfortable saying I “hold” him. But I know for a fact that he’ll be even less comfortable with me telling you that it was something he specifically asked for. 

Lesson Twenty-Three: No Man Is Worth Fighting Over!

I was 11-years-old and in Form One at Papakura Intermediate. There was a boy in my class called Karl Blank who was just a friend, but I secretly had a crush on him and enjoyed him teasing me during class.

A new girl had started at our school called, Michelle Brennan. She was English, loud and liked to be the centre of attention.  I took an instant disliking to her – mainly because Karl also started to tease her and she used to flick her hair in this really annoying way, which I later learnt was “flirting”.

Karl had unknowingly become the centre of our affections and we started to become a little competitive with one another. Pretty soon our friends and classmates started to take sides and before I knew it, a rumble had been arranged after school between Michelle and I over Karl Blank.

The day came and I was absolutely shitting myself – I was little, I was shy and I was not the fighting type of girl. The 3 PM bell went and there was this rush to the Settlement Road school exit and by the time I got there, a whole bunch of kids were waiting. I remember thinking, “Oh my god, how am I going to get out of this….maybe I can talk to her”.  I walk up, encouraged by my friends who are telling me that I can “take her” and not to worry. Within seconds I’m standing, facing Michelle while this huge group of kids had formed a circle around us. She goes to say something to me (I later found it was her wanting to just walk away) when someone pushed me from behind and I fell into her. Michelle figured I was starting the fight and before I know it hands are hitting my head and face and I got so angry and scared that adrenalin took over and I just punched and hit back. The whole thing last less than 30 seconds and we both had scratches and marks on our faces and necks, we’d pulled each others hair, she ripped my coral necklace off me and I tore her shirt before a teacher broke it up.  

I walked home feeling a bit sad but slightly triumphant. The next day Michelle and I were both legends at school, no one had been declared the winner, but her and I become friendly after that and even laughed about the stupid fight.  As for Karl Blank – neither of us ever told him what that fight was about, and the following week we found out he’d been going around with Jennifer Brimming for a month anyway.

Lessons learnt: Fighting is downright stupid; don’t get pushed into something you don’t want too do and no man is worth physically fighting over. Ever.

Lesson Twenty-Two: Men Gossip As Much As Women.

Last week I was over at a good friend’s house having a few drinks on the deck as the sun was setting, and the conversation went like this: -

Host: “Ohh yeah, she got her stomach stapled and she looks REALLY good – size 12 now”.

Friend one: “Yeah but she needed too, wow she ballooned right out…”

Friend two: “She was the biggest I’ve ever seen her, and once she got the go ahead for the op she just went crazy eating everything she could…”

Group laugh. Correction, group of men all laughed together before going on to talk about why IPhones are superior to Samsung’s. I was the only gal there and I had to chuckle to myself while listening to these guys having a conversation that we girls often get judged for.  And then there’s the banter I witnessed at home between The Boyfriend and my male housemate.

The Boyfriend: “She does anything for money – that marriage was a complete sham”.

Housemate: “I know! I feel for the boyfriend or husband or whatever he is. That whole family is such a nightmare. I have no idea why people watch that shit.”

The Boyfriend: “Totally. I was reading on stuff that she was paid something like a million dollars – I mean what is she actually famous for?”

Housemate: “Yeah I think it was the Woman’s Day that said she’s keeping the ring – typical high-maintenance chick”.

The Boyfriend: “Yeah”.

They were talking about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. This wasn’t just a one off, as we stopped at the dairy last week during our road trip The Boyfriend jumped back into the car and slammed the door.

Him: “I don’t believe it!"

Me: “What?” (Honestly I’m expecting him to tell me they were out of V drinks or the chippies were overpriced.

Him: “God that bloody Kim Kardashian is adopting a baby! It’s in the latest Woman’s Day….Christ she’ll do anything for attention”.

I had no words.


Women have gossiped for years and as one of those women, I think the difference is that girls can be very nasty and catty, whereas when you overhear the guys, it’s pretty fricken humorous. And I think it’s fair to say that most men I know won’t be afraid to repeat to your face what they say when you’re not there, something not all the girls would be brave enough to do.

Lesson Twenty One: Don't Hint With Men, Be Direct.

We girls are all guilty of this. Hinting to men in our lives instead of telling them exactly what we want. Men Do Not Get Hints!!! 

Example. Younger brother 18 is getting up to go to the toilet.

Him: “Anyone want anything?”

Me: “Yeah, wouldn’t mind a drink if you’re going through the kitchen”.  

He returns with one beer, which he opens and drinks.

Me: “Errr – where’s my beer?”

Him: “You said if I was going through the kitchen, I didn’t, this was in the chilli bin in the laundry”.

He’s a bit of a smartarse who made a valid point. I needed to be clearer and say, “Yeah, can you grab me a beer please. Thanks”.

Another example, this time involving The Boyfriend.

I come back from the shower; he’s still in bed and gets up to use the bathroom.

Me: “Hang on I’ll just make the bed.”

Him: “Where’s my towel?”.

Me: “I dunno, I’m making the bed”. (I'm thinking, “Can’t you see I’m making the bed and how you should naturally help me?”)

Him: “Oh here it is…..”  and off he goes to the shower.

The Boyfriend returns and the bed is all made.

Me: “Why didn’t you help me make the bed?”

Him: “You said’ hang on, I’ll make the bed’. I pulled my side of the duvet up. You never asked me to help you make it”.

Again, the male had a goddamn point. So from now on it’s, “Baby, would you help me make the bed please?”

A wise man once told me that to get a man to do what you want, you use ‘would’ instead of ‘could’. E.g.: “Would you please take out the rubbish” not, “Could you please take out the rubbish”. Apparently when a man hears, “Could” he thinks, “I COULD, but I’m not going too” whereas when the word “Would” is used, he hears a polite request plus there’s no real comeback to it.

Here’s another reason why you need to tell a man exactly what you want. Check out what happened with my friend and her husband.

Him: “Off to the Supermarket – want anything?”

Her: “Surprise me”.

He returns and unpacks the groceries while she sits there, waiting to see what he got her.  He finishes and goes to walk away.

Her: “Hey – what did you get me?”

Him: “Sorry?”

Her: “My surprise – where is it.”

Him: “Well I didn’t know what to get you and it was really busy, so I didn’t bother. Surprise!”

In his mind he didn’t do anything wrong but it took her about three days to see it.  So from now on she always tells him what to get for her.

So, while we’d love our men to read our minds and know exactly what we want and when we want it, they can’t. And trust me – swap the “could” with “would” when you want your guy to do something – it’s subtle but it works. 

Lesson Twenty: Trust Your Boyfriend Can Take Care Of Himself When It Comes To Meeting Your Father.

When a girl introduces a boyfriend to her Father she wants it to go well. My Father has always told my sister's and I that he's not interested in meeting our boyfriends unless we're serious about them. So for only the third time in my life I was introducing a boyfriend to Dad. Needless to say I was nervous, the old man is ex-Army, plus this boyfriend is a bit shy and sometimes the family can be a bit full on.  When I introduced the last boyfriend my Father called him a pansy because he opted to sit in the kitchen talking with the girls rather than jump on the roof and help Dad out.

We pull up at the house I grew up in and everyone was knee-deep gardening and pulling down the obscenely high hedge. Childhood memories of me picking up weeds and lugging hedge clippings down the side of the house to the back yard came flooding back.

The introductions begin as my sweaty family, wearing half the garden on their clothes, came forward to meet this new man.  It was almost like a scene out of Close Encounters when the alien ship landed and the human’s stood around, curious yet apprehensive. Dad’s up first wearing his sweat band around his head, shorts, long socks rolled down to the ankle, sneakers and a polo shirt  - plus headphones in as he was listening to the cricket.

Me: “Dad, this is Craig. Craig this is my Father, Brian”.

They shake hands.

Dad: “Gidday, nice to meet you. Sorry about all the mess” nervous laugh.

The Boyfriend: “Hi there….” nervous laugh… “Yup – looks like you’ve been hard at it.”

I was wondering how this would go as we all gathered on the balcony together and started talking. Pretty soon Dad was telling Craig to, “Please, make yourself at home and help yourself to anything” – definitely a good sign. We were there for a few hours and I thought the boyfriend did well, he was relaxed, he was chatty - to be honest he was just being himself.  However, I was dying to know what the family – and particularly what my Father thought. I go back two days later without The Boyfriend who unfortunately had to work.

Me: “Hey everyone…”

Step Mother/Sisters/Brother collectively: “Hey. Oh….Where’s Craig, why didn’t he come with you….oh what, is he not here?”

Me: “Err – he’s busy….I’m here…”

Brother: “Yeah but we want to see I.T Guy…..”

Sister: “Yeah….”

Me: “What did you think Dad?”

Dad: “Yeah – a bit quiet but seems really nice. How come he didn’t come with you?”

Younger Brother: “Yeah Tarsh…. ring him and ask him to come over.”

Everyone who spent the evening drilling me about him repeated this request throughout the evening.  I never rang him but we went back for dinner a few days later and again he was the center of attention. Looking back I had absolutely nothing to worry about, the only problem now is he gets more attention than I do, a problem I don’t mind having at all.  

Lesson Nineteen: Don't Take Yourself So Seriously.

I believe (and I bet you do too) that people come into your life for a reason. Robert Laloli – awesome builder and talented magician taught me to stop taking myself so seriously.

I met Bobby on the eve of the first Christchurch earthquake, September 2010 – interesting timing, as that’s where he’s from. I’m seated, ordering a drink at the bar when this confident, good looking guy walks up and says, “Hi. Can I buy you a drink?”. Now normally I’d reply with, “I’m good but thanks anyway”. However that night I looked at this guy and went, “Sure, have a seat”. I knew straight away that this guy was okay – that he wasn’t a wowser, a try-hard or a dip-shit….he was a guy I was really keen to get to know, but again I was too serious about it.

Me: “You know there are plenty of single women in this bar and I’ve just finished MCing this party, I’m not here to meet anyone…you should really be talking to them”.

Him: “Well I have done the rounds and chatted to some of the ladies. But right now, I don’t want to talk to anyone else but you.”

Me: “How old are you?”

Him: “26 – why, how old are you?”.

Me: “38 – so, you know, I’m not going to talk about a top I brought at Glasson’s or which character on Shortland Street I really hate. I’m 38 so conversation will be a little different.”

Him: “Have you got any ID?”.

Me: “Sure” and I proudly showed my drivers licence.

He took one look at it and handed it back.

Him: “Well, I never would’ve picked you for 38. And I don’t watch Shortland Street….tell me about yourself”.

And from that one quick glance at my drivers license – Bobby always remembers my birthday. There was definitely some sort of connection there –  but it never really amounted to anything. We hung out, ate out, ate in, played pool, talked a lot about everything from karma and spirituality to why John Campbell is better than Mark Sainsbury.

Bobby taught me two things in the time we spent hanging out.

1.  That chivalry is not dead. I mean this guy always walked on the outside of me. (Men used to do this back in the day to prevent the lady getting wet should a car drive through a puddle.)

2.  That I could be more fun and less serious and enjoy it.

I’ve always had a fun streak, a party girl attitude and love playing wicked games and taking a few risks. I wanted to retain all of that, whilst not take myself too literally and seriously. And somehow this cocky little 26-year-old helped me balance that out just by being around him and seeing how balanced he was/is. You know how you sometimes think people come into your life for a reason? Well that was his for me. Although, I’m still racking my brain to figure out what the reason was for me being in his life. I'm hoping that it was to show him we "older ladies" are not all crusty cougars. 

Lesson Eighteen: Stop Assuming!

This is a lesson I know for a fact that most woman will relate to and understand. Whereas it’s a lesson most men could also relate to, but not understand. By the way, this is also my most embarrassing blog to date.  It’s when we ladies read into everything a man says and does, and then assume the absolute worst, ridiculous scenario that can often lead to an argument.

Case in point. The Boyfriend and I went post-Christmas shopping and he isn’t fond of parking in busy mall car parks. His patience is at an all time low when it comes to finding the closest vacancy to the doors. So he opts to park in the first one he finds which is usually the fartherest one away.

I think, “Ohmigod. We’re parking this far away? Well I better not ask him to park closer because then he’ll think I’m lazy”. Too late, because as usual my brain has failed to remind my mouth to remain closed.

Me: “Why are you parking so far away, we’re bound to get one closer.”

Him: “No we won’t and I refuse to drive around and around, the place is packed.”

Me: “You think I’m fat don’t you.”

Him: “WHAT?”.

Me: “That’s why you parked so far away, because you think I need the exercise!”

Him: “First of all, I don’t think you’re fat, secondly, as I said, I refuse to drive around for half an hour finding another one…this is as good as any and thirdly – you’re being ridiculous. Come on.”

Yeah I know, “Ohmigod Tarsh, you’re an idiot”.  I feel like an idiot re-telling that story, but seriously, that’s how some of us ladies think. And I’m not fishing for a compliment or looking for sponsorship from Jenny Craig, all I’m saying is we girls do assume the stupidest crap.

I’m not the only one. Conversation overheard in the supermarket after a guy answers his phone while shopping with what appears to be his girlfriend and her friend.

Him: “I have to take this conversation outside, back in a minute”.

Her: “Why can’t you talk in here, who is it?”

Him: “It’s bloody work and I just need to sort this out where I can hear them.”

And out he walks.

Her to her friend: “I bet it’s not Max, it’ll be that bitch Carmen!”

Friend: “I doubt it, it sounded pretty important.”

Her: “I’ll get hold of his phone later and check anyway. Ewww look Pantene’s on special…”

Whether it was Max or not is irrelevant, look at what she assumed straight away. It happens all the time.

Seriously that old saying you’ve heard “Never assume, it makes an ASS of U and ME” is very true, except I’d like to change it too, “Don’t assume, It makes an ASS of U in front of ME” and I know The Boyfriend would agree.